Why is jealousy good

Hearing anyone brag about their successes can be really annoying, but in the context of our relationships, we usually want to be there as a sounding board for some bragging. We want to feel happy for our partners when they succeed.

That said, there are extenuating circumstances. Maybe you had a bad day at work. Maybe you're experiencing a bout of depression. Maybe you're sick. Regardless of why you're not feeling your best, hearing your partner succeeding when you feel subpar can produce jealousy.

Rather than probing the jealousy as it is likely somewhat irrational , simply tell your partner you're not feeling your best.

You may even say something like, "Listen: I'm super happy for you about X. But I'm just having a rough time right now. Do you mind if we talk about it later? Couples often pursue particular activities together. You and your partner may decide to take up yoga.

But what happens when they get praise for their handstand in yoga class? You may feel jealous. And that's OK. After class to keep with this example , you may casually say to your partner: "Ha. I felt kind of jealous in yoga when the teacher complimented you.

Want to help me with my handstand? You're just being honest, and that will bring you closer. When you're in a relationship, you often quickly start to feel like every detail of your partner's life is a part of yours. Perhaps they always text you during the day to tell you what they ate for lunch or what their co-worker said to them in the bathroom. Sometimes, you even feel like you deserve to know everything about your partner's life.

Sometimes this can morph into codependency, which is actually not so healthy. So it can feel painful when we learn from someone else something about our partner that we were unaware of—even if it's totally nonthreatening.

Say you are with your mutual friend, and he tells you about your partner's insane talent at painting. I had no idea she painted! You may feel jealous: Why does our friend know about her painting hobby and I don't? Again, it may be quite irrational. But still be honest: Very straightforwardly ask her why she didn't tell you, and tell her it made you feel jealous or bad.

She'll either have a reason, or she won't—but she probably didn't intend to hurt you. It's possible to feel like your partner is cheating on you with something other than a person. If they get really into a particular form of exercise, a particular hobby, or other activity and spend all of their time doing it, you may feel left in the dust.

This doesn't mean you don't want them to pursue their new thing—but you're allowed to feel jealous. Tell them!

Maybe they had no idea and will invite you on their next run, or to their next spin class. When we communicate our needs, we often find out that other people had no idea we were even feeling a particular way. We can't assume others can read our minds. Experiences—particularly those involving travel—can make us feel transported, renewed, reborn even. That's why it's especially hard to deal with those times in your relationship when your partner has an experience, interaction, or trip that is transformative, and we aren't present.

Tell your partner, "I'm so happy you had so much fun. At the same time, I felt kind of jealous that I was totally not a part of it. I've had friends tell me, "I have a ton of guy friends, and it always makes my boyfriend jealous. Of course you'll be a secondary or tertiary concern at times, and that's fine. But voicing your jealousy to your partner will only make them that much more sensitive and attentive to your feelings, even if there are those moments when they're getting drinks with friends.

Enough said. Some people are OK with this kind of gesture. In some relationships, partners openly communicate about past relationships and sexual encounters, and even "check people out" together. But this is a pretty normal reason to feel jealous.

She says people experience envy in completely different ways. When we think about healthy relationships, we envision mutual trust, respect, communication and compassion. Leela Magavi, M. This fear often morphs into jealousy, which is actually kind of sweet when you think about it. It means we want a commitment. We may become jealous of the attention our partners give to others because we want to be the only apple of their eye.

This is healthy when it clarifies and solidifies the definition of your relationship with your partner. Again, this can be a good thing—for real! Magavi says. Ryan and Alex, the real-life couple behind Duo Life , build on this sentiment by addressing the jealousy we may feel directly towards our partner. Formerly engineers, this husband-and-wife team now coaches couples on nutrition, fitness and living their happiest lives together. Finally, a little jealousy can be a nice reminder that the two of you are absolute catches.

When a stranger flirts with you, but you only have eyes for your partner, it can remind them how lucky they are. Healthy jealousy results in growth. This may look like one partner coming to terms with insecurities and devising a plan to deal with them. It may look like both partners talking more openly about emotions or simply better understanding each other.

Ryan and Alex say healthy jealousy is acknowledged jealousy, plain and simple. This can definitely include sharing your feelings with your partner, but it really begins within you, the person experiencing it. Magavi says a partner willing to discuss their feelings in an honest way is demonstrating healthy jealousy. Embrace vulnerability. This also applies to folks whose partners are the ones feeling jealous. If they bring up an uncomfortable flirting incident and have a reason to be jealous, be upfront about it.

Not the most fun conversation, but a necessary one if you want the relationship to thrive. While this may be a lengthier process, at least beginning to try to understand why feelings of jealousy pop up is a huge step towards growth. Again, this could look like journaling to dissect jealous episodes or speaking with a therapist about past trauma that could be informing current emotions.

Responsibility may also look like making sacrifices here and there. Unhealthy jealousy can tear both romantic and platonic relationships apart. When jealousy turns into a fervent obsession is when things can start to go very wrong.

The worst thing you can do is ignore your feelings altogether. They are natural, but letting them simmer will only lead to anger, resentment and distrust. Rashmi Parmar, M. Jealousy is an evolved adaptation, activated by threats to a valuable relationship, functioning to protect it from partial or total loss, explains David Buss, Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas and author of The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex.

This evolved adaptation supposedly protects us, yes. But it also has the power to motivate. My friend with the bestseller? Other research led by Leon Festinger concluded that comparisons are more likely to be made with people who are initially similar. In fact, the more similar another person is, the more intense the envy. I could do without the last factoid, but I acknowledge there is a lesson there. Van de Ven, Zeelenberg, and Piers highlight research that found that although envy in the workplace had negative consequences for well-being, it inspired people to improve their position and push themselves higher along the chain of command.

Venus, a seven-time Grand Slam title winner singles and Serena, a time Grand Slam title winner singles , both of which were coached from an early age by parents Richard Williams and Oracene Price.

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